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Monday, October 20, 2008

Sadly, I've come to the realization...

That I'm fat. Really, Really fat. And the sad thing is, I haven't always been fat. I remember the days when I used to be 135 lbs (I'm 5'9) and people used to be envious of my body. But through the years, and through the kids, the weight just started creeping up. It didn't get bad until about 5 years ago and then I got hit with a a mess of bad things -- a divorce, which led to a lot of emotional eating, then I got remarried and had 2 kids in quick succession which packed on the pounds which i never quite lost. I had a complete Hysterectomy a year and a half ago, which messed with my weight a lot, and then if THAT wasn't bad enough, right after my hysterectomy, I started a dose of heavy psych meds which are known to pack on the pounds, which I'm still taking today. So this all hodgepodge of misfortune has caused me to be, quite literally, a big fat mess. My 3 1/2 year old tells me (on a regular basis) that I'm too fat too do thing. The pants that I bought last year, when I was feeling the fattest I could be, are too tight. I avoid mirrors and cry when I see myself in them. I hide when people try to take pictures of me, and when they do insist on taking a picture of me, I hide behind something or someone.

Now, I'm not stupid. I KNOW what I'm doing wrong. My eating habits are shit. I drink too much soda, I eat too much junk food, and veggies and fruits are hardly a word in my vocab. But not anymore. I've vowed to myself, and for my children, to really get serious about losing weight. Not just for myself, but for them as well. I don't WANT my daughter to tell me I'm too fat to run around with her, and I don't want my boys to say "No offense Mom, but you're too fat to.......". I know it's going to be hard, but I'm going to try my damn hardest to cut out the soda and the junk food and see where that takes me. I figure that *has* to jump start my body into losing weight, right??

I know I'll never be as skinny as I once was, but I just want to be healthy. I want to be healthy and happy with myself....