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Thursday, October 9, 2008

Bad Jew?

So, today is Yom Kippur, one of *the* Holiest days in the Jewish religion. It's the day of Atonement, a day where you're supposed to repent for your sins, reflect on what you've done over the past year, and make plans for the future year. It's about making yourself better, and trying to make plans to allow yourself to be a better person in the upcoming year. To help you atone, good Jews fast for the whole day of the holiday. Am I fasting? Nope. Did I even attempt to fast? Hell no. Why? because I"m a bad Jew. And because I'm fat.

Seriously -- how are fat people supposed to fast? I can't go 3 hours without eating, let alone a whole damn day. I get cranky if I don't eat breakfast, a mid morning snack, lunch, a mid afternoon snack, and dinner. And when I get cranky, I get bitchy, and I KNOW those around me don't want to see me get bitchy.

You're also not supposed to work on the holiday. Yet, I still found myself at 8 a.m. this morning at my desk, stressing like any other day, when I was supposed to be at home celebrating a sacred holiday with my family.

So does this make me a bad Jew? Or does it just make me realistic? I have a hard time with this issue. I wasn't born Jewish; I converted about 3 years ago. I know this makes me as much of a Jew as anyone else, but I still feel like the outsider whenever I'm at Synagogue or whenever I attend a Jewish function. I feel like people are going to point to me and say "She doesn't look Jewish -- how did she get in here??"... I find myself trying even harder at every holiday to prove myself, and I get frustrated when I feel like I don't fit in with the Jewish crowd. My daughter started a Pre-school Hebrew school program this September, and it seems like *everyone* knows each other. I just stand there in the hallway, waiting for Sophie to get out of class, feeling like an outsider.

I know all of it is probably in my head, but I still think I'm always going to feel like a bad Jew when I don't follow the religion to a "T".

Hanukkah is coming up, which is one of my favorite Jewish holidays, so I'm determined to make this a great Hanukkah for the kids!

I think G-d can forgive me for not fasting and for putting in 8 hours of work. What do you think?