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Tuesday, December 30, 2008

I know it's cliche ....

But I've been thinking a lot about New Years resolutions the past few weeks. Usually I make the same three resolutions every year -- lose weight, become more financially stable, and become more organized. Pretty standard, right? Only I never do anything to accomplish any of those.

However, this year, I have a confession to make. I am desperate to lose weight. I want to make that my resolution, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid of mumbling the words "I want to lose weight", because I know I'm going to fail at it. I have zero will power. I am an emotional eater, and I have a LOT of emotional, stress filled things going on in my life right now. I turn to food for comfort, and that food turns to pounds. *Lots* of pounds.

I haven't always been fat. Quite the contrary. I used to have a body that would turn heads. I used to be super skinny and athletic. It wasn't until about 5 years ago that I started having a problem with my weight. What happened five years ago? It was a combination of things, I guess.. My eating habits starting getting worse, I went through a lot of health issues, I had 2 kids, I had a total hysterectomy, and I went on heavy psych meds, ALL which messed with my weight. Before I realized it, I've gained 60 lbs in the last 5 years! If you divide it by 5 years, that's only 12 lbs a year -- which doesn't sound too bad, right? BUT, most of that weight has been within the past 3 years, which means I've gained a whopping 20 lbs a year!

I'm miserable in my own body. I cringe when I see myself in mirrors, and I avoid pictures at all costs. My 4 year old tells me on a some what regular basis to move my big fat butt, and even though she doesn't know what she's saying, it's just the fact that she *knows* that I have a big fat butt that kills me. I feel like a prisoner in my own body.. No one looks at the fat girl. I avoid people's eyes because I'm ashamed of the way I look....

I opened up the latest issue of US weekly last week, and I saw the article on the winner of the Biggest Loser, and I just wish I could do something like that. I wish I had the dedication and the willpower to totally overhaul my eating habits and get my ass to a gym. I want to be skinny and I want to be healthy. I want to set a good example for my children.

I don't know if I'm actually going to have the strength to go forward with this desire to lose weight, or if it's going to be another year of being miserable in my body while chugging away Code Red Mountain Dew's and throwing back the fast food. I just know that by putting this out there, I'm hoping I can look back on this in the weeks and months to come and (hopefully) draw some inspiration to get moving.

I would LOVE to come back to this post this time next year, at the very end of 2009, and be a skinnier, healthier, happier person... One can hope, right?


Miss Blondie said...

Aww...don't feel uncomfortable in your body! You are a gorgeous woman inside and out!! I look forward to reading your posts..and as single moms i feel a bond with you!! Instead of saying "I'm losing weight this year" try a different tactic. My brothers girlfriend, last year wanted to lose weight but she wanted to do something "good" too, so she signed up to do the Avon 2-day Breast Cancer Walk. She had to train for it for months...she lost weight and it made her feel good! So this year, i'm doing it with her!!

Minxy Mimi said...

I like Miss Blondies idea... maybe try to walk a little every day, start slow. and I also agree, beautiful isnt about being thin, it never is and it never was. I feel beautiful and I am much larger than you are. Regardless if you lose weight or not, you need to love yourself.

Bloggymommy said...

I know how you feel! I've never had the "perfect" body but I used to be a dancer so not only was I thinner but I had great muscles! This year when my hubs asked me if I was going to make a resolution I told him no. I'm going to NOT loose weight b/c if I say I am and make the resolution then I won't do it. But if I say that I'm "not" goin to I will! (At least I hope I will. lol)

Something that I've noticed and come to realize more and more every year is that no one can make you feel fat, ugly or non-important but yourself. I'm a size 12 and even though I know I could turn more heads by loosing weight I know that I am the same person on the inside no matter what and it's on the inside that really counts anyway. It's a struggle that millions upon millions of women struggle with each and every day, and I'm one of them so I know how you feel. But you need to realize that inner beauty is key not outer beauty! And you're beautiful on the inside! ((hugs))