Would someone please come shoot my van?

I'm currently searching for someone that will come out and shoot my van to put it out of misery. Please? I'll pay you well... LOL...

This is the second time in a month that my car has been in the shop. The first time, it died on me 40 minutes from my house, had to be towed back to the mechanic shop, and needed a brand new battery and a serpentine belt. Final bill -- $350.00

Fast forward to Christmas Eve, when I start off on our drive to my cousin's house, and I hear the lovely sound of metal on metal brakes. Niiiiice!!! So I finally got the car into the shop this morning (I should also note that it had failed inspection for one inoperable wiper blade, and one damaged wiper bloade). It ended up needing new breaks, new rotors, and 2 new windshield wipers. Final bill -- $240.00

So yes, in the past month, my P.O.S. car, with 118,000 miles on it, has needed almost $600 in repairs. I should just drive it into a ditch and collect the insurance on it. I am fully convinced that this is not the last time the damn thing is going to need to go into the shop. I just hope this doesn't turn into a monthly occurance!!